The Blonde selection
MECHANIC
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Yesterday you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you!"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says,"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says.>
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" ; The American said, "We were the first on the moon!! " The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.To which the Blonde replied, "We're not that stupid. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"..
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reports for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and! No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minute s she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs,and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
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A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
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Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
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What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
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A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "OH MY!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped." "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarised. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
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A ventriloquist is touring clubs and stops to entertain in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of color and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, D**KHEAD!
What makes you think that you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person?s hair color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and you anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to the little b**tard on your knee!"
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God Loves Blondes
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray ... "God, please help me.
I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,
I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays ...
God!, please let me win the lotto!
I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays ... "My God, why have You forsaken me?
I've lost my business, my house, and my car.
My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help,
and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time,
so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself ...........
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this......
Buy a ticket!!!!!"
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Blonde Driver
Lorry driver driving through Essex. Stops at a red light, and a car pulls up behind him, the door opens and a blonde woman gets out, runs up to the door and knocks on his window.
The lorry driver lowers the window and the woman says: "Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry"
The lorry driver grunts and winds his window back up and as the lights change he pulls away, only to get caught at the next set of lights, where the blonde again knocks on the window, gets him to lower it and as if it never happened says:
"Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry" He again rolls his eyes and pulls away as the lights change..... once again he gets caught by the lights and he sees her running up once more.
She again knocks on the window, he lowers it and again she comes out with:
"Hi, my name's Heather, you're losing your load from your lorry" He says something rude under his breath and roars away from the lights shaking his head.
He swears like mad as he sees the next set of lights turning red and the woman's car tearing up behind him. Before she can get out he throws open his door, jumps down and legs it back to her car. She rolls her window down as he knocks and he says:
"Hi, my name's Dave, and I'm driving a fucking gritter!!!"
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