I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.
I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now I don't think that's too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?
I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
John, you know I can't marry you. You are an accountant. I prefer a man who builds things, who makes things, like an engineer who...makes half-a-million dollars a year...
Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
Life sucks...and then you marry someone who doesn't!
Look the bride in the eye and ask, "If I'm the best man, how come you're marrying HIM???"
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love is a thousand miles long, but comes in six inch installments.
Love is a word composed of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.
Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.
Love may conquer everything, but it needs Time as its Field General.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Make love, not war, or do both: get married.
Man and wife make one fool.
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.
Marital Logic:
1) Marriage is an institution.
2) Marriage is love.
3) Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
May you live as long as long as you want to, and may you want to as long as you live!
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.
May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.
----------------------------------------------
Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way it's painted.
My darling wife was always glum.
I drowned her in a cask of rum,
and so made sure that she would stay,
in better spirits night and day.
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm damn lucky to have them.
My other wife is beautiful.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.
Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.
One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
Say to the groom, "Your bride will now expect a mink." Then to the bride, "You know how women get minks? ...the same way minks get minks!"
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out To Lunch, Think It Over."
Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you're looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.
Some women marry men thinking they'd be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.
Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.
Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.
Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.
Take heed from those who know
Tie you nightie to your toes
Close your eyes, hold your nose
Then see how it goes...
The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they're going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.
The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
-----------------------------------------------
Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End (Weekend).
Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.
Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.
Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did.
Forecast for Wedding...
Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight.
Sun (son) is expected later on.
Friend of groom giving a toast: Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!
Friends may come and friends may go
and friends may peter out ya know.
But we'll be friends through thick or thin,
peter out and peter in!
From the football club -
We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand again.
Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend."
Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.
Here's a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are between the sheets.
Here's to you and here's to me,
and I hope we never disagree.
But, if that should ever be,
to HELL with you, here's to ME!
Hope all your Tries are not converted.
Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy..
It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.
It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially if he's married.
It's always fun to ask at the reception, "What time's the grand opening?" Or after the honeymoon, "Glad to see you back on your feet."
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
It's sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got..
---------------------------------------------
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look whom she married!
A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.
A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.
Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't line down.
Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night with the girls.
After a moment of quite repose
It's tum to tum and toes to toes
After a moment of sheer delight
It's back to back for the rest of the night.
All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.
Always talk to your wife while you're making love...if there's a phone handy..
And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...
And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.
Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind: aisle, altar, hymn.
As you slide down the bannister of life, may all the marital splinters be pointed in the right direction.
Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a prick like my mother's.
Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.
Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.
Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day.
Love
Bill and Mary Farkin
and the whole farkin family.
Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
Dear {bride},
Isn't it funny how history repeats itself?
{Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy - and now it's happening all over again!
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.
Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.
-------------------------------------------------
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is better than what they are missing.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.
Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter..
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.
A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of himself.
A good woman is like a good bar...liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
A honeymoon should be like a table...four bare legs and no drawers.
A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not.
----------------------------------------------
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!
The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:
The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.
I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a lot of stuffing!!!
The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.
Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He's the silent one.
There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.
They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.
Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.
This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.
To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.
Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.
Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.
Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.
We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?
Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.
When the best man is reading the telegrams:
From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen,
"At ten o clock, please report position and depth."
When god made man he made em out of string,
He had a little left over so he left a little thing,
When god made women he made em out of lace,
He didn't have enough so he left a little space,
Here's to space!
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be...
Firstly, The Marriage Game,
Followed by, Great Temptation,
The Untouchables,
Mission Impossible,
The Time is Right,
Rawhide and Bonanza.
The rising sun may kiss the grass,
The clock may kiss the hours that pass
The flowing wine may kiss the glass,
And you my friends... Drink Hearty!
When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's already experienced the better part.
Propose this toast:
John, you are a lucky groom; you've got Mary. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving.
Mary, you've got....John.
To Space
When God made Man,
He made him out of string.
He had a little left over,
So, he made a little thing.
When God made Woman,
He made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough,
So, he left a little space.
To Space.
Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car
To Bed or Bust
She got him today - He'll get her tonight
Just living together
----------------------------------------------
Bachelor:
1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
3) A man who every morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes the same mistake once.
5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce..
8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.
Gentleman:
1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.
Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
Husband:
1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
2) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
3) A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him.
4) A person who thinks he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss.
5) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.
Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat you to the draw.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.
Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.
Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.
Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.
Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge.
Wife:
1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.
2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.
Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.
Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.
----------------------------------------------
Q - What does a mil call her broom?
A - Basic transportation.
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!!
My Mother-in-law's other car is a Broom!
My MIL asked, "If you don't like me, why do you take me on holidays with you?" I told her, "So I don't have to kiss you good bye."
My MIL asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantle piece (shelf above the open fireplace)?" I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."
I don't say my MIL's ugly ... but round our way, the peeping toms are giving themselves up to the police.
My MIL said to me, "I'll dance on your grave." I said, "I hope you do. I'm being buried at sea."
I don't say my MIL's mean ... but she turns off the gas when she's turning the bacon over.
Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
Sometimes you cannot tell if a man is trying so hard to be a success to please his wife or to spite his mother-in-law.
Does it really surprise anyone that Mother-In-Law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?
"My Mother-In-Law was bitten by a dog yesterday."
"How is she now?"
"She's fine, but the dog died."
"Hello. Your Mother-In-Law fell into my pool filled with crocodiles."
"The crocodiles are yours, so you save them."
My mother-in-law is a well balanced person. She's got a chip on BOTH shoulders.
There aren't too many TV shows that dare to tackle the topic of The Mother-In-Law. So, here are a few suggestions for new story lines for some of the current hit TV shows.
1. Oprah: DR Phil discusses the phenomenon of "Reverse Claustrophobia" (the uncontrollable desire to lock yourself in a room or closet when your MIL visits.)
2. House of Fashion: Today's topic - This Old Bag
3. Daughters-in-law and Order - Special Victims Unit: Investigators probe horrid offenses committed by MILs that have left the victims devastated and destroyed lives.
4. Survivor: Stay at home and vote to keep the MILs on the island forever.
5. Home Shopping Club: DIL SURVIVAL KIT - Items for sale include a new lock and key for your front door, duct tape, caller ID boxes, and ear plugs.
6. MIL Family Feud: Most of us have been playing this game since we got engaged. Whenever you say something, your MIL tries to top it.
7. WWF: See the champ in the ring with your MIL. Can she go the distance? Dirty looks and snide comments won't knock out these tough opponents.
8. MIL Hunter : Go Down Under and watch as one man gets close to nature and risks getting his head bitten off by one of mankind's oldest and fiercest enemies.
9. Olympic Track and Field: Watch as ordinary women set new world records for speed while running away from their MILs.
10. Martha Stewart Holiday Special: Learn to set a beautiful holiday table, without a place for your MIL. It's a good thing.
11. Family Law: In this episode, a woman fights to divorce her MIL while remaining married to her dear husband.
12. Judging MIL: Why not? She judges you.
13. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: The MIL who asks the most irritating question in the shortest time wins big bucks.
14. Frasier: Will Daphne marry Niles this season? If she does, at least she won't have to contend with a MIL.
15. Unsolved Mysteries - Missing MILs: MILs are disappearing all over the city. Does it surprise you that no one is looking for them?
A man met a wonderful woman and became engaged to her. He called his mother to share his good news with her. He arranged to have dinner with his mother that evening so that she could meet his fiancee. When he arrived at her home, he brought along three women - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. His mother inquired as to why he had brought THREE women, instead of just one. He replied that he wanted to see if his mother would be able to guess which one of the women was her future daughter-in-law. She looked at each one carefully and then replied: "It's the redhead." "How could you possibly have figured that out so quickly?" he inquired. She coldly replied, "Because I can't stand HER."
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
Overheard in a restaurant:
SHE: This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste.
He: Are you describing the wine or your mother?
My mother-in- law is so cross-eyed, that when she cries the tears roll down her back!
Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
I never forget a face,
But in my mils' case I'm willing to make an exception.
I have never made a fool of my mil,
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
My mil and I were happy for 20 years,
Then we met each other.
Last night the local peeping Tom knocked on my mils' door, and asked her to shut her blinds.
Marriage Anon is a club for bachelors.
If any is tempted to marry, they send my mil over in curlers and dressing gown.
One cannibal says to the other: "I can't stand my mother-in-law."
The other says: "Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"
A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and sure enough a genie appears. The genie tells the man he may have 2 wishes. He will get whatever 2 things he wishes, BUT whatever he gets, his MIL will get double. The man thinks for a while & then proclaims "1. I'd like a million dollars. 2. Beat me half to death".
The Argument:
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and your MIL?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, your MIL doesn't know the difference.
What are the two worst things about your MIL?
Her faces.
My MIL is so big, we had to stop buying her Malcom X tee shirts, because helicopters kept trying to land on her.
A man was on trial for bigamy, and after the judge passed sentence he asked the defendant if he'd learned what made having more than one wife a bad thing. "Yes, your honor, I have," he replied. "What is the reason?" the judge asked. "Having two wives means having two mothers-in-law, and that, in itself, should be grounds enough to support assisted suicide."
My mother in law is so stupid she actually asked me for money. The thing is, is that I'm a bum !!!!! How dumb is she?
I always know when it's the mother in law knocking at the door – the mice throw themselves in the traps.
My mother in law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her, but he didn't know if he had enough petrol.
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Sure you can." And shut the door in her face.
A GIFT FOR HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW
Two guys were talking at work.
"I've got a problem," said the first one.
"What is it?"
"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And, I am fresh out of ideas. I mean, it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"
"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.
"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."
"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.
The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"
Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to ruin a marriage?
A: Just one ... mine!
Q: How many mothers-in-law does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None ... she always gets the son-in-law to do it.
Q. What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
A. The vulture waits 'til you are dead before it eats your heart out.
Two cannibals were sitting down eating lunch.
One says to the other, "You know, I just can't stand my mother-in-law."
The other one replies, "Forget about her! Just put her to the side and eat the mashed potatoes."
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Airbag. I said, "No thanks. I already have a Mother in law."
Q: How are shotguns and mother-in-laws alike?
A: If there is one around, you just want to shoot it!
I find it interesting that if you rearrange the letters in the words "mother in law" you get the words "woman Hitler".
Q: What's the definition of happiness?
A: Getting up in the morning and seeing your mother-in-law's picture on a milk carton!
"It was really cold outside today."
"HOW COLD WAS IT?"
"It was colder than a mother-in-law's kiss!"
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
The difference between outlaws and inlaws? Outlaws are Wanted!!
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, " and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law!"
Then there is the joke about the guy who was told by his doctor that he has only 6 months to live. He decides to move in with his mother-in-law, because living with her for 6 months will seem like forever.
Or, the definition of mixed emotions - seeing your mother-in-law drive over the cliff in your new car.
MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus. Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four police men and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Other pages:
This is the text-only version of this page. Click here to see this page with graphics.
Edit this page |
Manage website
Make Your Own Website: 2-Minute-Website.com